The Day Before
I'm leaving tomorrow morning. At 6am. Meaning, wake-up call at 5am. You guys — it's actually happening. I'm beginning my journey to move to Nashville indefinitely. I've been planning and talking about it for months, but the reality of me packing my life up in the trunk of my car and some of the backseat as it is now, saying goodbye to everything I know and love is not very real for me. When I said, "I'll see you in December," to my grandma tonight before she went to bed, it was the equivalent to me of saying, "I'll see you tomorrow." Because that's all I've been able to do the past several weeks. Through all the goodbyes, the friend visits, the parties, the packing and tieing up any loose ends, all I've been able to focus on is whatever next step I need to take. Whatever needs my attention in that moment. It's the only way to keep it together.
When I played volleyball in high school, we had this sort of "motto": Next Play Focus. If we lost a point, we needed to get back in the game and focus on the next point and not the previous point loss. That's really been my motto the last few weeks, the last few months. That and maybe not seriously thinking about what I'm doing. Everything is just words. Nothing is happening. Not until it happens anyways. Like tomorrow I guess.
But then... there have been slow occurences of realization. Of cracks in my understanding and perception of reality. Like the day after I was no longer technically employed and I was walking around a museum just |this| close to breaking down in tears thinking about the people I already missed. Or when I looked at my dogs Toby and Tater Tot tonight and wondered if they would understand that I would miss them. Or when I took my last swim in the Pacific Ocean this summer — watching the seagull on the shore eyeing my belongings as another wave rolled over my head and the cold air made me want to stay in the relatively warmer water longer. Whenever these moments come, and I get slightly overwhelmed, I just say to myself it will be okay.
And then I focus on what's next.
Right now, I'm focused on tomorrow morning. Making sure all the things I need are packed. All the things I will need for Nashville are packed. And trying to remember all the details of my life here: the temple this morning, my family, the amazing friends that will be visiting me soon (hint hint), the waffle breakfast, the beach, the dogs... the sun. That Denny's where I used to go all the time in high school in my pajamas because it was more fun that way. The night bike rides. The strand.
I'm sure it will be slightly different when I get back. It usually is.
Despite how I know how tomorrow morning is going to feel — a little excited, and also a
little really awful looking back at my mom and the house I grew up in for my entire life — I know that at the end of this journey is a continued adventure. It's what needs to happen for my life right now, and I'm extremely grateful for this opportunity to do it.
So... here we go.